As a friend and I left the multiplex on a recent night, she turned to me and offered this review: “You know, I liked the movie, but I just get so uneasy when all the bad things happen!” I intuitively agreed with her distaste for story conflict, which is perhaps why the movie studios haven’t entrusted me with making their executive decisions for the last few years. Otherwise, you’d have me to thank for these classic plots:

-A stuttering English king-to-be seeks help from a speech therapist in preparation for his new public role. The speech therapist is exceptionally personable, and the king agreeably participates from the beginning, without any hesitation or condescending air. After all, I mean, the guy’s just trying to help!

-A few endearingly shaggy Harvard nerds create a website where you can put pictures of yourself and make friends. They all share in the billions of dollars in profit, and the two boys who may have originally conceived of the website are content with simply being really attractive. They row their little boats into the sunset as the nerds get to kiss girls on the lips.

-A group of friends go to Las Vegas for a bachelor party, only to get a text from the groom saying he’s hanging out on the roof of the casino. They then throw a party on the roof. There’s a cute baby involved. And they get to kiss girls on the lips.

-Some futuristic architects live out their dreams.

-A smooth-talking business traveler meets his female equivalent. After months of doing the different-city-same-hotel-chain thing, he finally shows up unexpectedly at her doorstep. To his surprise, her suitcase is waiting at the door- she thought he’d never knock! They continue their jet-setting lifestyle, never leaving each other’s side.

-A rich white woman adopts a poor black boy, teaches him how to play football, and he becomes and NFL star. (Oh, wait…)

-In this romantic romp, a man and a lady manage to sustain a great friendship whilst simultaneously having sex all the time.

-The above premise is such a hit, the studio makes the exact same thing three more times with different actors.

-A man born an old baby mysteriously stops changing after he reaches peak love-making form. His wife experiences a similar phenomenon. Everyone in town is admittedly a bit curious, but happy for them nonetheless.

-In the third installment of this children’s classic, a bunch of toys meet some more cuddly toys and their owner brings them to his new college dorm. All the girls get a kick out his talking toys. They kiss him on the lips.

            You may be wondering, as I have for some time, why movies don’t play out this way. After all, it’s fiction. The writer (or the actress’ agent) can choose everything that happens. Why do the newlyweds have to fight? Why can’t they just be happy like we want them to be? Well, as I asked myself these questions, it occurred to me that this innovative genre, wherein only great things happen, does exist. It’s called porn.