For the past two years, I’ve walked the same mile to school, past that craftsman style lodge on Lemon that I’m pretty sure is a nut-house, past the unassuming ground-level apartment with a neon bar peeking out from behind the front door, which may double as an underground bunny ranch, and past the American Legion which perpetually looks like a Quinceañera with a hangover. 

Then there’s the beauty school, where they apparently study cigarette breaks (a vital aspect of the salon profession), and of course the karate studio right next door.  Outside the karate studio, there’s a small table with chairs for moms to sit while they wait for their kids to finish doing somersaults.  I was walking past the studio one day when I noticed a new sign on the table which reads, “No Smoking.  People Are Breathing Heavily Nearby”.  That is absolutely brilliant. 

These days, “No Smoking” signs are just noise.  There are also signs that read, “No Right On Red”… but come on.  As far as I can see (about twenty feet to my left) there’s nobody coming my direction!  Give me a sign that’s at least rational.  Well, that’s exactly what the karate place did.  “Don’t smoke here, because some guy just punched a manikin for thirty minutes and then broke 400 pounds of bricks and he’s kind of out of breath, and if you breathe carcinogens into his air, just be aware that he has a black-fucking-belt.”

And then there’s Rod’s Liquor.  I’m guessing that Rod died a while back, but there’s definitely a Bee who always works there.  Based on the color of her teeth, I’m guessing she has a Masters’ Degree from the beauty school.  And you can’t forget Lenny, the vagrant can collector; or Marcel, who works next door at the Radio Shack but still drives over so he can show off the rims on his low-rider Toyota Tacoma; and Nicky, who’s developed the harshest natural tan I’ve ever seen from standing on sidewalks (don’t need to worry about Vitamin D deficiency!).

However, don’t overestimate my familiarity with the place.  Based on the length of my legs and my class schedule, I only spend about 4 to 5 seconds in front of the store each day.  And yet, I’ve come to amass enough moments for the entire first season of a sitcom I’m calling Rod’s Liquor.

Episode 1: I’m Etta James, Bitch!

Nicky to Lenny- “I got a crate full of Etta James records at my Mom’s house”.

Lenny to Nicky- “You should sell one for a quarter and buy a gumball from the gumball machine”.

Episode 2: The Shoe Shine

Lenny to Marcel- “You got some shiny shoes”.

Marcel, shining his tires, looks down to realize he spilled Armor All on his gators.  He wipes them.

Marcel to Lenny- “Dope”.

Episode 3: The Big Quit

Bee stands outside smoking a cigarette.

Bee to a Police Officer- “I want to quit.  I just don’t know how”.

Officer to Bee- “I’ll look into it”.

Episode 4: Special Delivery

Bee to the Pepsi delivery man- “I ain’t sold any sodas, so I don’t know where you want me to put ‘em”.

Pepsi man- “I’ll give ‘em to Lenny”.

Lenny- “I don’t drink high fructose corn syrup”.

Episode 5: Pawn of the Dead

The 90-year-old owner of the record store up the street comes out with a Yoo-Hoo.

Nicky- “Say, you run that record shop?”

Record Store Man- “Yeah.”

Nicky- “Wanna buy some Etta James records?”

Record Store Man- “You’ve been asking me that for the past 26 years.  The answer is still no”.

Episode 6: Marcel the Philosopher

Marcel parks his car in front of the store, Bee comes outside and lights a cigarette.

Bee- “Why do you always park in the driveway?”

Marcel- “Why do we drive in the parkway?”

Episode 7: Kick the Can

Lenny trips on a can and falls on his face, Bee rushes out-

Bee- “Quick, someone call an ambulance!”

And the season finale: Something like Love

We’re still on edge from last week’s episode, is Lenny okay?

Bee leans over and looks straight into his soft face-

Bee- “You are one crazy freak.”

Lenny-“sniff, sniff, Oh, God, it’s the cigarettes!” 

Bee- “Oh I’m sorry, can you not breathe?”

Lenny- “If it wasn’t for your toxic smell, I may never have awoken from that coma!  Secondhand smoke saved my life.”

            And that’s the show, the one I tune in to every day on my walk to school.  It’s not sexy, it’s not polished or witty or particularly suspenseful in any way.  But at times it’s gritty, it’s always real, and there’s no doubt it has heart… I’m thinking HBO.