“We want to sell you… all kinds of stuff”.  –President Obama, in a Press Conference with Chinese President Hu Jintao

            Tired of spending all day sitting at a desk, programming innovative new software?  Disillusioned with working on new alternative energy products?  Bored with the hours a day spent in advanced schools, keeping up that useless ranking as the world’s number one nation in adolescent reading and mathematics?  We can take your mind off all of that, just call 1-760-716-2875*.  That’s 1-760-BUY-SHIT.  We’re having a SALE!  SALE! SALE!

            If you’re Chinese, your leisure outfit is likely a robe cut out of a burlap sack.  Gross!  You may be thinking, ‘man, I wish I had a soft blanket’.  Well, you wished wrong- blankets get in the way of reaching the remote.  That’s why you should buy a Snuggie™!  You’ll feel like a fleece eggroll!  We’ve got a surplus, so we’re selling them now for 2 YUAN.  ‘But what about those pesky shipping and handling costs?’, you may ask.  Not to worry- shipping is cheap- after all, they’re made in your country!

            So you’re wearing a really soft hospital gown- now what?!  Ever heard of Cheers!?  Well, all eleven seasons are available now, just for you, in one convenient box set.  Relive the great times with Sam, Diane, Coach, and the gang.  If it’s not funny to you at first, just stay awake- by the time you get to the twelfth episode in a row, you’ll be dying!  Everything’s funnier when you’re delusional!  Speaking of delusional, buy this box set for 5 YUAN, and we’ll send you twenty cases of 4-Loko, the official drink of American University!  It comes in five different flavors- Red, Purple, Green, Orange, and Rainbow!

            Spending all this time cooped up inside can get a bit claustrophobic.  Nothing solves that like some space to run around in.  That’s why we’re putting up for sale the ENTIRE STATE OF NORTH DAKOTA.  That’s right- from the left side, to the right side, and everything in between, it’s yours for only 1 YUAN!  ‘But won’t the people judge me, if I’m running around in this ridiculous Snuggie™?’, you ask.  Judge you?!  They’re North Dakotans- that’s like a baby complaining that you have B.O.- they’re the ones with underwear full of feces!  (Not to mention that they can’t even walk.  Haha, babies!).

            ‘These things sound great, but where will I get the money?  My country has totally devalued our currency’, you think.  Not to worry- the American government has mulled this one over, and they’ve decided to give away Goldman Sachs and Citibank to the Chinese.  They even come with the original bankers, known as Sachsmen.  “What would you like a loan for?”- “A Snuggie  and eleven seasons of Cheers!”- “Awesome, you just described my three years at Harvard Business School!”.  See, it’ll all work out. 

            Thought this offer couldn’t get any better?  You thought wrong!  Be the first to call- you don’t even have to order anything, just call the number to say hello- and we’ll give you Justin Bieber.  That’s right.  That girl with the boy-haircut can be yours.  Make her sing.  Make her dance.  Make her cry.  ‘But won’t she get hurt when you ship her in the box?’, you ask.  Of course not- we’ll wrap her in a Snuggie™ first.

*That number is my real phone number, but feel free to call it, since, as you can imagine based on my position as official Chapman Radio Tumbler, I’m in need of friendship.