If you’re like me, you were under the assumption that the world was sans conflict, just one big happy flower field. As Bill O’Reilly aptly notes, the tide goes out, the tide comes in. But alas, The New Yorker dropped a bomb on us this week with a report that Belgium is on the brink of disintegration, having failed since June to form a federal government. Notes Bart De Weaver, head of the New Flemish Alliance Party, “Belgium will be snuffed out slowly, like a candle, barely noticed by anyone”. Except me!
Now, to put this in comprehensible terms, imagine the country of Belgium as a giant waffle (if you haven’t already), and pretend that Turkish immigrants constitute a bottle of maple syrup (like Mrs. Buttersworth, in a burka). And some thirty odd years ago, the syrup started to fill the squares. And now that waffle is soggy as shit.
In addition, there’s been a longstanding divide between the Dutch speaking Flemings in the North (not to be confused with that stuff that builds up in your throat), and the Francophone Walloons in the South (not to be confused with Balloons, common at children’s birthday parties). Prior to the Second World War, most of the nation’s wealth came out of the coal mines in the southern Black Country, or Pays Noir. But now, after the destruction of Wallonian territory, the economic power has shifted to Flanders, where Dutch speaking bankers rake in the coins (presumably chocolate coins). Brussels, as the capital of both Belgium and the European Union, is a microcosm of what’s wrong with the contemporary European system: poor, post-colonial immigrants who came to rebuild and now live off the once glorious European welfare state, with no regard for the “national pride” that keeps Europeans from abusing the workings of socialism (free healthcare, free university, clean streets, plenty of discotecs, etc.).
I know what you’re thinking- if Belgium falls, what country will they use to set Jewel thief movies? Luckily, I’ve been brainstorming all morning, and I’ve come up with some suggestions.
v All Turkish kebab stands must serve their meat shavings wrapped in waffles, like Bruxie.
v Brussels should build a Legoland™ franchise.
v The Belgian flag looks too much like a German flag turned sideways. And besides, there’s nothing valiant about color bars. I recommend some type of coat of arms (see Gryffindor).
v A social networking site called “BelgianFace” would be a huge hit. All you need is a belgium.gov email address, a date of birth, and a nude profile picture. Belgians don’t hide!
v A nuclear arsenal never hurts.
v Hey Hollywood- Belgian babies are the new Namibian babies! Get some!
v I don’t know how many countries have hashed out some pseudo Star Spangled Banner national anthem. Side fact- the Star Spangled Banner is set to the tune of a medieval British drinking song. For Belgium, I recommend a more contemporary drinking tune, such as T-Pain’s, “Buy You a Drank”. But instead, say, “I’m a Belgian, yay!” as the chorus line.
v Diet and exercise.
v Require all school children to read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but change the “n-word” to “Frenchman”. Nothing boosts national moral like a superiority complex.
v If all else fails, change the name “Belgium” to “Awesomeland”.
If Belgium follows these simple pointers, they ought to be set on the right track. It’d be a dire shame if the country that gave us The Smurfs went extinct before it had a chance to give us the greatest thing you’ve ever seen since “The Smurfs”!
One can only hope that Europe sees a shining example of a storied nation upheld by 21st Century policy when they look at the new Brussels. But then, of course, there’s Bruges. Fucking, Bruges.
