The Baby Boomers have been known to remark, “kids these days…”.  If you plugged that into the No Fear: Shakespeare translator, the “…” would come out, roughly, to something like “are real dumbasses”, which is probably true.  For one, we use No Fear: Shakespeare.  But also because we just don’t know a lot of the things that, over time, have formed the canon of significant stuff worth knowing, like history, and economics, and how to farm.  I confess- I’m in this club.  I mean, I know some things, like, “Andrew Jackson sent the Native Americans on a death march,” and, “Oh, a carburetor?  Yeah, that does mumble mumble gasoline mumble”. 

            But the truth is, we’re not stupid.  Our generation probably knows more than any other in history, simply because we have access to an unprecedented amount of information.  But of course what matters is quality, not quantity.  And while I could go on and on about meiosis and mitosis and osmosis and all the other oses, I figure it’d be a good exercise in humility to put down some of the things I’m embarrassed to say I know:

v  “;)”.  I can do that with a cell phone.

v  www.howtobakeapotato.com is a good way to learn to bake a potato.

v  If you procrastinate in getting a present for someone over fifty years of age, make them a mix CD, because they’ll foolishly think it took an incredible amount of time and expertise to make it.  Plus, they likely won’t listen to it because they can’t work a CD player, so they’ll never have an opportunity to judge you for your profane taste in music.

v  When trying to open a door, if pulling doesn’t work- push.

v  The Kardashians exist.  In fact, they have a television program on the E! Channel, and it’s so sensational, even the E is excited. 

v  “Iceland is actually green.”- D2: The Mighty Ducks.

v  If a man wears an earring on the right side, it means he’s a homosexual.  (If he wears one on the left side, he looks like an idiot.  Unless he’s a pirate.)

v  That chipmunk is so dramatic.

v  “The Situation” is the name of an abdomen.

I could go on, but a potato is baking in the oven, and according to the timer (time cook; 1 hour; start), it’s ready to be removed.  Lately, a common exchange of mine has gone like this:

“James, what’s your major?”, says someone who may or may not care.

“Philosophy,” I reply, looking at their earring and trying to figure out what ear it’s on without turning my head.

“Oh, cool.  So what do you do with that?” they judge.

But it doesn’t matter, really.  Kids these days don’t know anything.  But the philosophers among us at least know that.